I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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