Don't make out with my wife yet
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
