Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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