dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
