and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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