Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize