hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
you never un-have a 4some
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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