he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
