i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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