My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
