i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I didn't notice because vodka
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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