I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
