I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
