Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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