The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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