Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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