He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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