new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
