John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
