i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
