The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
