I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
