Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize