At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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