i already hear my dad disowning me
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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