If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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