There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
