I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
be right there i have to get my cape
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
