i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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