Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
