When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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