Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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