My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
