my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
