These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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