i think my mom watched the whole time
dude i'm inner monologue high
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
