mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
