Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
