I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I would fuck him just for his dog
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
