This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Success! We fucked roommates!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize