Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
