the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
