you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
