I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize