I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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