i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
