You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
