So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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