I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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