the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
