my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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