omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
there's paper in my vomit.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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