One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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