Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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