He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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