If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Maybe he injected his testicle?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize