I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
