First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
