I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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