PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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