mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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