Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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