Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
