I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
