he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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